What is parentification? Why should it matter to Black women?

Aug 30

History + Implications for Black Women

Since Myers-Galloway Counseling opened its doors in 2016, I have noticed a trend, specifically among my Black female clients. There was a pattern of a deep sense of responsibility to others, a foggy awareness of personal needs and wants, and an over extension of time and emotional capacity. Before I was even familiar with the word parentification, I realized that my clients’ stories reflected a lack of nurturance in childhood and it was making a huge impact on their lives today. It’s not easy to go to a stranger (licensed professional or not) and talk about parental wounds that you may or may not know are there. Let’s not forget about the stigma of mental health issues in the Black community. In 2022, I wrote an article for PRIDE Magazine, a local publication in Charlotte, NC dedicated to highlighting Black culture, titled “The Unexpected Mental Health Impact of Parentification.” Let’s expound on what parentification actually is, other related terms and where the concept comes from.

What is Parentification?

Parentification is the process of role reversal in a parent child relationship. Simply put, it’s when the child acts as the parent instead of the parent providing stable important elements for the child’s development. Parentification can occur when the parents themselves are limited in what they can provide, they have emotional or physical limitations that keep them from fulfilling certain key aspects of the child’s needs and/or the circumstances of the family do not allow the parents to be fully available to their children. Parentification can also be sibling focused, where a child becomes the primary support for a sibling who is impaired, disabled or sick.

In her essay, Nivida Chandra found 12 factors to consider when exploring parentification experiences.

Age
Reason for parentification
Clarity of expectations from the child
Nature of expectations
Guidance and support provided to the child
Duration of expected care
Acknowledgement of care
Age appropriateness and child development norms your family subscribed to
Lived experience
Genetics and personality propensities
Gender birth order and family structure
The life you are living now

Who created the term Parentification?

Myers-Galloway Counseling is an eclectic practice using various types of therapy. As a practice that primarily serves the needs of Black women it’s most important that we provide culturally competent and relevant treatment. We felt it was important to research the origins of parentification to have a little more context. Like most therapeutic modalities, this concept was developed during a pivotal time for Black people. Just thinking about what was happening in history during the mid to late 1960s (voting and civil rights acts, Bloody Sunday, Fair Housing Act, etc) when the term parentification was honed, as you could imagine survival was the priority and not emotional maturity or self-development. Two of the early professionals who did the work to discover this phenomenon are Salvador Minuchin (1921-2017) and Ivan Boszormenyi-Nagy (1920-2007). Salvador Minchin (born in Argentina) was a contemporary psychiatrist who helped develop family therapy and pioneered the field of structural family therapy. In the 1960s, he found that traditional psychoanalysis did not work for youth in New York City. Ivan Boszormenyi-Nagy (born in Hungary) was a psychiatrist who created Contextual Family Therapy. Dr. Nagy noticed that destructive patterns of family interaction often spanned generations.

What does parentification mean for Black women?

If you are asking What does this mean and why should I care? Well I’m glad you asked. Understanding exactly how your experiences have shaped you can help you understand everything from your career choices, to your selection of romantic partners, to the hobbies and interests you have. Black women often have a fleeting idea of what self-care is and how to take care of themselves. This is a foundational starting point. Rebelling against previous responsibilities imposed on you by others (or circumstances out of your control) is the epitome of self care. Making the decision to no longer over extend yourself or be everyone’s savior is liberating.

Types of parentification

There are two types of parentification: emotional and instrumental. 1) Emotional parentification happens when a child is expected to be the counselor, confidant or emotional caretaker to the parent. 2) Instrumental parentification happens when children are given domestic tasks that are not age appropriate like taking care of a sick sibling, working to pay bills, or cooking meals for the entire family.

Other Parentification Related Terms

Below are a few terms that are very closely related to one another in the realm of parentification.

Emotional Incest happens when a parent is looking for a child to provide not only emotional support but the emotional intimacy that another adult would. This extreme emotional depenence does not involve sexual abuse. For example, when a mother overshares personal information about her romantic partner (or spouse) with her son.

Enmeshment is considered blurry or nonexistent boundaries in a family. If you experienced this, you may struggle to differentiate your needs or your identity from that of your family. Ideally, you should feel free to explore away from the family and return to the family to receive support. An example or sign of enmeshment is you give your own spouse just enough attention to keep them minimally satisfied, while giving your primary loyalty to your parents.

As a result of parentification, sometimes the “false self” appears. This is a persona that results after continuous self denial of needs. Deep down, you don’t feel truly accepted by those in your family. The false self is a part of you that gains value by putting the needs of others at the forefront. For example, as the oldest you agree to play the mother role in your family for younger kids out of fear of being criticized or ridiculed in the future instead of being who you really want to be.

Why does Parentification happen in Black Families?

Black families face a range of obstacles like incarceration, substance abuse, and economic disparities that dismantle the family system and force children to do, act, and behave in certain ways for survival. Sometimes parentification happens because of certain familial attitudes about what’s appropriate and expected. Parentification can happen unknowingly or as a result of the consequential limitations of parents.

How to stop the negative cycle of Parentification

There are quite a few bodies of research that discuss the impact of Parentification across different cultures: too many to discuss here in this blog. Some ways that Parentification can make a positive impact are psychological survival, emotional intuitiveness, and functional responsibility. It’s important to highlight that these caregiving experiences shape Black women to be dependable, reliable, solution oriented, and empathetic. It even makes sense that those who experienced parentification would end up in careers, roles or industries where they have to serve or be a caretaker in some way. The less productive side of Parentification includes self denial, uncertainty of self worth, perfectionism, problems delegating, inability to say no, etc. It’s not surprising that you may feel resentful and angry overtime with these inner experiences that presumably feel out of your control.

First, take the time to think about and reflect on what happened to you. What stories have you been telling yourself? Is there an opportunity to change the narrative? Therapy is a safe space to dissect and validate your personal narrative. At Myers-Galloway Counseling, we use questionnaires to help you explore this. The therapeutic relationship can model a healthy relational interaction. Each parentification experience is unique and different, you deserve care and love to discuss yours. Second, assess your current boundaries and/or establish new ones with your parents or others. Next, acknowledge the guilt and fear you have for attending to your own needs. This is common but a necessary part of moving forward. You just have to believe that you are worth it. Stick with it, but give yourself some grace in this journey. Lastly, examine the positive ways (maybe with a gratitude list) that your upbringing has made you who you are.

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