Three Ways to Deal with the Ups and Downs of Your Love Life as a Black Woman
Have you ever looked around at the women in your family and thought, “I don’t want to end up like her?” As a result, maybe you’ve chosen to stay single, or you choose to date men who are seemingly nothing like the male models you grew up with. And yet, you’re finding this one area of your life to feel stagnant and unsatisfying. You might be asking yourself, “What is wrong with me?!” And the answer hopefully doesn’t surprise you: Nothing!
Relationships in the 21st Century
The world has changed since our mothers and grandmothers were our age, but that doesn’t make the desire or frustration to be in a relationship any easier. We might be staying in relationships because we are afraid to be alone, or we’re not giving someone a real chance at being a partner because we’re afraid of who they might become. Here are three tips to help you navigate the ups and downs of relationship-building in 2023:
Tip #1: Learn What a Healthy Relationship Is
As Black women, and especially if we experienced parentification growing up, we are often put into a position of “taking on” everyone’s responsibilities. That can sometimes include us taking on the emotional work that someone else is not doing for themselves. We might allow bad behavior from a romantic partner to continue, such as cheating, lying or worse, because we believe it’s “normal” or that it equates to love. Even if your parents have been married for over thirty years, their relationship - like yours - is not perfect. If it’s the model we saw in our own families, it’s familiar. And what is familiar is often the type of behavior we can excuse even when it’s hurting us. Breaking this cycle is not easy, but it is possible.
Tip #2: Know and believe that no matter what you have been through, you are worthy of love
All or nothing thinking is a type of cognitive distortion where you view or evaluate your life (and sometimes the people in it) in extremes. Either something is perfect or it’s a complete disaster. If we saw women in our family in bad relationships, we might run from even the slightest hint of a partner acting less than perfect. For example, “My partner was late for dinner. Therefore, he never makes our relationship a priority and takes me for granted.” This may reinforce what we saw in our childhoods - women we loved being taken for granted or treated poorly - but is that actually what’s going on? Does your partner treat you poorly or take you for granted? Or was he late to one dinner?
Let’s face it, you might have more on your plate than women from previous generations. Research has shown that among Black students in higher education, women are more likely than men to earn degrees with 64% earning their bachelor’s degree, 71% earning their master’s and nearly 66% earning their doctoral, medical or dental degrees. For the future of Black Female Empowerment - this is amazing! But have you heard this phrase from people in your circle:, “That degree is not going to keep you warm at night.” Ugh. It’s not bad enough that outsiders may be critical of your dating life, but what if you keep bumping up against this feeling that maybe you are too much for a man who doesn’t have the same level of education or career ambition? You will never be too much - too smart, too ambitious or too anything! - for a partner who respects you.
Tip #3: Go above and beyond to manage your mental health
Living and working as a Black woman in 2023 America is stressful. Doctors and psychiatrists agree that since the COVID-19 pandemic, “women are at least twice as likely to experience an episode of major depression as men… and compared to their Caucasian counterparts, African American women are only half as likely to seek help.” Even a great relationship in your life can still come with baggage or unearth those deep-seeded fears you’ve had about the relationship models in your life. Things like fear of true vulnerability, fear of abandonment, or fear of rejection.
Whether you believe you are experiencing depression or anxiety or just need a safe space to voice your worries, there are people who understand and are ready to listen. Look for a Sister Circle near you, reach out to a Black therapist who provides group therapy, or contact our office and set up an appointment. Remember: loving yourself is the most important relationship you will have.
****
To learn more about healthy, unhealthy or abusive relationships, check out this easy-to-read one pager “The Relationship Spectrum” from LoveisRespect.org.
You can also learn more about our services, or contact our office to schedule an appointment today.
