6 Ways to Heal Your Insecure Attachment Style —  and get what you need out of relationships  

Have you ever found yourself constantly putting others first, often at the expense of your own needs? Maybe you were the one working jobs to help support your family or playing peacekeeper in your home from an early age. These are powerful signs of parentification — a dynamic where children take on adult responsibilities, such as managing household tasks or providing emotional support to caregivers, before they are developmentally ready.

Parentification leaves lasting marks on your mental health and relationships, but here’s the truth: you can heal and create healthier patterns.

What is Parentification?

Parentification is a distortion of boundaries between parents and children that happens in two main forms: instrumental and emotional.

Instrumental Parentification: This occurs when you were expected to take on adult-level tasks like cooking, cleaning, or managing household finances. And we’re not talking about taking on basic household chores.

Emotional Parentification: This is when you’re pulled into the role of confidant, mediator, or emotional caretaker for your parents or siblings.

Both forms leave children carrying a heavy burden. These roles are not just inappropriate for a child’s developmental stage but can also disrupt their ability to form healthy boundaries and relationships later in life.

How Parentification Impacts You as an Adult

Growing up too soon doesn’t just disappear when you reach adulthood. The impacts of parentification often show up in how you navigate relationships:

Perception of Roles: You might see relationships as tasks to manage rather than spaces for mutual support. (Charlie Health, n.d.).

Trust and Intimacy Struggles: You find it hard to rely on others when you are conditioned to believe that you have to handle everything on your own.

Mental Health Challenges: Parentification is linked to anxiety, depression, poor boundaries, and low self-esteem. (Charlie Health, n.d.).

Your emotional needs as a child were likely ignored or deprioritized, leaving you feeling insecure in relationships. This often results in insecure attachment styles, which means you have a difficulty trusting others, fear of abandonment, or a deep discomfort with intimacy. But understanding these patterns is the first step to healing them.

In this blog post, we’ll dive into what an insecure attachment style is, what this means for your relationships, and how to address and heal these insecure attachment patterns. We’ll also cover practical tips for challenging and healing these issues, so you can cultivate more satisfying and healthy relationships.

What is attachment theory anyway?

Attachment theory, developed by psychologist John Bowlby, explores how our early relationships with caregivers shape our emotional bonds and behaviors in adulthood. If your caregivers met your needs consistently, you likely developed a secure attachment style — a foundation for healthy, trusting relationships.

However, if your caregivers were inconsistent or unavailable, you might have developed an insecure attachment style. These early experiences still influence how you connect with others today. Let’s dive into the types of insecure attachment styles.

Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment

Do you constantly check your phone, worried that a friend or partner hasn’t replied? When they don’t respond quickly, do you spiral into fears of rejection? This attachment style thrives on the fear of abandonment and the belief that you are unworthy of love.

You might:

  • Overanalyze messages and interactions in your relationships

  • Crave constant reassurance and validation from friends, family members, or co-workers

  • Struggle with emotional highs and lows triggered by the uncertainties of life

This dynamic can create challenges in relationships, as the need for reassurance often feels overwhelming to others.

Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment

Do you find yourself saying, “I need space” or avoiding conversations about the future of a relationship? This style is defined by a reluctance to get too close and a preference for independence.

You might:

  • Avoid conflict or vulnerability, or meaningful conversations

  • Feel uncomfortable with intimacy of any kind

  • Prioritize your personal interests over relational needs

While independence is healthy, an extreme focus on self-sufficiency can leave the people in your life feeling neglected or unimportant.

Fearful-Avoidant Attachment

Do your relationships feel like an emotional rollercoaster? You crave closeness but pull back when someone gets too close. This push-pull dynamic often leaves both you and your partner feeling confused and insecure.

You might:

  • Imagine the worst-case scenario about rejection or abandonment when in relationship with others

  • Avoid discussing your personal feelings with those around you

  • Alternate between intense closeness and sudden detachment.

This style is rooted in both a deep desire for connection and a fear of being hurt.

So now what?

You will get what you need out of relationships when you first understand yourself. Now that we have gone through the different attachment styles, let's take a moment to reflect on your patterns in your relationships. Which attachment style resonates with you? If you were honest with yourself, how might your behaviors, interactions, and emotional needs in your relationships be a reflection of your attachment style? Learning and understanding your attachment style is the first step towards building more stable, healthier, fulfilling relationships. Now you might ask what specific steps you should take in order to address your attachment style in relationships in order to improve your connections with others. Well I’m glad you asked! Here are steps you can take to address and heal your insecure attachment in order to have more satisfying relationships.

How to Heal Insecure Attachment Patterns

Healing is not about perfection; it’s about progress. Here are practical steps to address and transform your attachment patterns:

  1. Identify Your Attachment Style - Reflect on your behaviors and feelings in relationships. Use tools like an Attachment Style Quiz to first gain clarity so you know what direction to go. Awareness is the first step toward change.

  2. Practice Intentional Self-Reflection - Set aside time for regular self-reflection through journaling, meditation, or quiet contemplation. Ask yourself questions like; “What is triggering me?” , “Why did I react that way?”, “Am I being honest with myself about what I truly need?”

  3. Set Healthy Boundaries - Boundaries protect your time and energy. Start by: Listing your priorities and evaluating how you spend your time Practicing saying “no” without over-explaining, and enforcing consequences when boundaries are crossed. Remember, it’s okay if setting boundaries feels uncomfortable at first. Growth takes time.

  4. Foster Self-Compassion - Speak to yourself the way you would a close friend. Replace harsh self-criticism with kindness and support. Recognize that your feelings and experiences are valid. Emotions and feelings are like the lights on a car dashboard, they tell you where to look for the issues.

  5. Improve Your Assertive Communication Skills - Learn to express your needs using “I” statements. For example: “I feel overwhelmed when the dishes pile up. Can we work together to keep the kitchen clean?” This approach builds trust and fosters understanding in relationships. Assertive communication helps to not only express your needs but also includes the other person in the solution.

  6. Seek Professional Help - Working with a therapist who specializes in attachment theory can help you uncover the roots of your patterns and develop tools to create healthier relationships. Booking a FREE Consultation with a therapist at Myers-Galloway Counseling can set you in the right direction to healing your attachment wounds.

Final Thoughts

Parentification may have shaped your past, but it doesn’t have to define your future. By understanding the impact of these early experiences and addressing your attachment style, you can build relationships that feel supportive, fulfilling, and rooted in mutual respect.

Healing is a journey, but you don’t have to walk it alone. Take the first step today by exploring your patterns and committing to change. You deserve relationships that uplift you — not ones that weigh you down.

 

Tori Morris is a Licensed Clinical Mental Health Counselor Associate here at Myers-Galloway Counseling. Tori is committed to supporting Gen-Z Black women (ages 21-26) in reaching self-acceptance related to their racial identities and to become secure in their own religious/spiritual differentiation. Click here to book a FREE 15 minute phone consultation with Tori or call us at (704) 750-1889 to speak to a member of our team.

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A Simple Guide to Parentification: 20 Terms to Know So that You Can Heal

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6 Tips on Setting + Maintaining Your Boundaries—Even When Other People Are Uncomfortable