Black Women and Vulnerability: How to Ask For What You Need During the Holidays
It’s easy to slip back into bad habits
The holiday season is here, and it can bring up a lot of old (or unresolved) emotional scars. Especially for Black women who experienced adultification and/or parentification during their childhood, reconnecting with family members during this time of year may result in intense family conflict, trigger abandonment issues, fear of rejection or grief. Not to mention, there are always topics that feel off-limits. Topics that cause anxiety can range anywhere from romantic (“Are you dating?”) to parental (“Tell your father I don’t want him bringing his new girlfriend!”) to financial (“Can you lend me some money?). With all of that potentially on your plate, reliving money trauma, parentification trauma or emotional parentification certainly does not make for a joyful holiday.
You may be wondering: is it possible to be around your family while maintaining your voice and power? The answer is: yes. However, it requires showing yourself compassion and setting realistic expectations and boundaries that will support your emotional well-being. Here are some helpful tips for the holidays.
Tip #1: Extend empathy to those around you
It’s likely that you may be the only person in your family or close circle that has been doing some self-reflection. Whether you are in formal therapy with a therapist, listening to podcasts, or learning more about parentification on your own, you are at least aware of the relationships in your life and how they affect you.
First, it’s important to understand that some family conflict and stress is normal. Nobody gets along with everyone in their life all of the time. While you are at a family event, take a look around the room and recognize that each person there is human and flawed. And each of them has been shaped by their experiences (good and bad). Perhaps you have a strained relationship with your father or you are often fighting with your sister. If you can look at them and believe, “They are doing the best they can with what they have,” it might increase your empathy.
Tip #2: Use your voice
Throughout the year, it’s so much easier for Black women to say, “I’ll just do it myself!” So no wonder the additional stress of the holidays only adds to our frustration and exhaustion. However, with the increase in activities this time of year, it’s a perfect time to use your voice and decide what you need help with and what you need to feel fulfilled this holiday season.
Tip #3: Compromise. Delegate. Or, decline.
Whether you compromise by saying, “No, I cannot host this year, but I will be happy to bring a dish,” or, delegate: “I need you to clean the house while I run these errands” or decline: “Thank you for the invitation, but I cannot attend,” use your power and lean into what will give YOU joy.
Tip #4: Understand - and set - healthy boundaries
When you were a teenager in your parent's house, you likely spent more time in your room than anywhere else. And when you return to your family this time of year, you may feel those similar feelings popping up - the need to get away and be by yourself. Healthy boundaries may look different to different people, but it’s important to recognize when you need it - and when others are asking for it as well.
Just because a family member, or significant other, needs time alone this time of year, it’s important to understand that there is a difference between “being secretive” and “needing privacy.” The same holds true for you. If others around you attempt to say something along the lines of, “Why are you being anti-social? Why are you being so secretive?” it’s important to remain in your power and use your voice to say: “I’m not being secretive. I need time alone to recharge.” Everyone - especially you - deserve to have space during the stress of the holidays without shame.
At the end of the day, whether it’s the holidays or not, the most important part of your vulnerability journey begins with using your voice. You have the innate strength and power to make healthy emotional and mental changes in your life. You just need to harness that power into actionable steps.
If you are looking for support on your journey, contact the Myers-Galloway Counseling team. We specialize in therapy for Black women across North Carolina. Contact us today.
