As a Black woman, have you ever felt trapped in the role of “the fixer” or “the strong one”? The one that everyone turns to for advice, yet no one bothers to ask how things are going in your life? It should make you reevaluate who is around you and how you engage with them but is it possible that you get a certain amount of validation from being needed?  There are significant cultural and societal pressures to be resilient and supportive.  In this blog I will be addressing a common issue that many Black women face in their relationships: being “The Responsible One”. My goal is to validate your experiences as a Black woman and offer understanding and empathy. I am going to talk about how to identify the problem of one-sided relationships. This is where you may find yourself constantly giving support without receiving any return which leads to feelings of neglect and emotional exhaustion. 

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We are going to cover practical strategies for navigating and overcoming these relationship challenges. By the end of this, you will learn more, feel empowered to set boundaries, prioritize self-care, seek mutual support, challenge societal norms, and consider therapy if needed. I am going to share actionable steps and encouragement to equip you with tools to break free from the cycle of one-sided relationships. 

You are the go-to person in your relationships, the one everyone leans on for support. While being seen as the "rock" can be validating, it's essential to recognize the hidden pitfalls that come with this role. In a world that celebrates strength and resilience, being "the fixer" or “the strong one” only has temporary gains. Let’s talk about one-sided relationships and ways to be more balanced and fulfilled by the relationships in your life. 

Here is the problem when Black women experience one sided relationships

It's easy to get caught up in the positive feelings that come from being needed by others and the narrative of being perceived as the one who has it all together. But what happens when this perception leaves you feeling drained and neglected? Or worse, being inauthentic and people not knowing who you really are. Here are five ways this can show up. Does any of this sound like you?  

The Listener Turned Problem-Solver: Friends and family members become so accustomed to venting to you and relying on you to solve their problems that they stop inquiring about your well-being. This dynamic can leave you feeling emotionally drained and undervalued. The desire to be seen as "strong" in friendships and relationships often stems from things like, societal expectations, personal experiences, and internal beliefs.

Here are some reasons why black women may feel the need to adopt the role of problem solver:

1. Social Expectations: Society often glorifies strength as an admirable trait. From a young age, we internalize the idea that being strong means being capable, resilient, and independent. As a result, we feel pressure to conform to this to gain approval and acceptance from others.

2. Past Experiences: People who have faced significant challenges or adversity in their lives may develop a sense of resilience as a coping mechanism or a means of survival. Especially someone who has experienced parentification; you learn to rely on yourself  to overcome obstacles and navigate difficult situations.

3. Desire for Control: Some of us end up the role of the "strong" one because it gives us a sense of control over our lives and relationships. It can feel empowering to take charge or provide support to others, but can lead to us losing sight of our own challenges.

4. Need for Validation: Being seen as strong can elicit admiration and validation from others. People may seek validation through their ability to handle certain challenges and support those around them, which reinforces their identity as the "strong" one in their social circles.

5. Cultural and Gender Norms: Cultural and gender norms can also play a role in shaping perceptions of strength. In some cultures, there may be specific expectations placed on people to fulfill certain roles or responsibilities, which may include being the pillar of strength in relationships.

Having the mindset of “I don’t want to be a burden”: Having intimate knowledge of other people's struggles can lead you to avoid asking them for help. This knowledge may cause you to question their capabilities or capacity to support you. This can result in bottling up your own emotions and needs, leading to increased stress and isolation. Changing the inner assumption that you are a burden when needing to lean on others for support is a significant step towards embracing a healthier dynamic in your relationships.

Here are some strategies to help shift this mindset: 

1. Challenge your negative beliefs. Recognize that the belief that you are a burden is often rooted in negative self-perceptions and unrealistic expectations. 

2. Remind yourself that everyone experiences times of vulnerability and needing support is a natural part of being human. 

3. Normalize asking for help. Understand that asking for help is not a sign of weakness but rather a sign of strength and self-awareness. 

The Lonely Fixer: As the designated problem-solver, you struggle to reach out for help when you need it, feeling as though you should have all the answers already. Regarding societal norms, vulnerability is often perceived as a weakness, and many Black women may avoid displaying vulnerability out of fear of judgment or rejection. Instead, they adopt a facade of strength to protect themselves from potential harm or criticism. This perpetuates a pattern of overextending yourself and neglecting your own well-being. Be kind to yourself and practice self-compassion when you're struggling. Treat yourself with the same understanding and empathy that you would offer to a friend in a similar situation. One of the best gifts you can give yourself is to recognize that needing support does not diminish your worth as a person. We all encounter challenges that we cannot get through alone, and seeking support is a courageous act that fosters connection and resilience. Yes, asking for help builds your connection with others. 

Here is how Black women can break the cycle of one sided relationships

1. Get a good understanding of what boundaries are and embrace them. Establish clear boundaries with your loved ones about when and how you can offer support. Think about what you are willing to do and what you are not willing to do if you weren't afraid of the consequences. Communicate your own needs and limitations openly and assertively.

2. Take an honest look at your current relationships. Cultivate relationships based on reciprocity, where both parties feel comfortable sharing their struggles and offering support to one another. Surround yourself with individuals who value and respect your emotional needs.

3. Practice Curiosity and Self-Compassion. Recognize that it's okay to prioritize your own well-being and ask for help when you need it. Ask yourself “What is it that I think/feel when I am always focused on others?” Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you extend to others.

4. Challenge the "Strong" Narrative. Reframe the notion of strength to include vulnerability and asking for help when necessary. Recognize that true strength lies in acknowledging and addressing your own limitations.

5. Consider therapy. Some issues go a lot deeper than what we can cover in this blog. If you find yourself trapped in one-sided relationships or struggling to break free from the "strong" narrative, consider seeking support from a licensed mental health therapist or counselor. They can provide guidance and tools to help you navigate these challenges effectively and get to the root of negative narratives.

Now What?

If after reading this, you’ve realized that you have unintentionally cultivated one-sided relationships, do not fret. There is hope for you yet! Your ability to create a safe space for the people in your life can be both a superpower and a hindrance. Here are a few resources that can help you learn new skills to navigate your relationships and provide you the tools to challenge the “strong” narrative. 

Tedx Talks like “Why Black Women Should Stop Being Responsible” by our founder Montina Myers-Galloway highlighting the impact of parentification on Black girls. This can show up in adulthood as an overextension of self and the expectation to be hyper-independent.

Journaling Prompts: Ask yourself questions such as “What do I sacrifice when I silence my own needs?” Or even, “Who do I consider to be in my support system?” 

Self-Help Books such as "Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life" by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend, and "The Assertiveness Workbook: How to Express Your Ideas and Stand Up for Yourself at Work and in Relationships" by Randy J. Paterson.

Podcasts: Podcasts such as “Shades of Strong” by Shirley Hubbard. Discuss in-depth how to redefine strength and rewrite narratives.

Breaking free from the "strong" narrative and nurturing balanced relationships requires self-awareness, courage, and a willingness to prioritize your own well-being. By setting boundaries, practicing self-compassion, seeking mutual support, challenging societal norms, and seeking professional help when needed, you can cultivate healthier and more fulfilling connections in your life. Remember, you deserve to take up space and have your needs met in your closest relationships.

Infiniti McCallum, LCMHCA is a therapist at Myers-Galloway Counseling. She enjoys supporting clients who are insecure about their parenting style and their overall connection with their children. Infiniti is passionate about individuality, self-advocacy, and introspection. Book a therapy appointment online with Infiniti or call us at (704) 750-1889 to speak to a member of our team.