Hey sis,

Let’s talk about boundaries. If you've been on the journey of learning to set healthy boundaries, you've probably noticed something: not everyone’s happy about it! You finally say “no” or take that much-needed break, and suddenly, there’s someone who’s a little too interested in making you feel guilty about it. But let’s clear something up—boundaries aren’t about anyone else’s comfort. They’re about protecting your peace, your energy, and your mental well-being. So, let’s dive into how we can set boundaries unapologetically and let go of the guilt that can sometimes tag along.

First Off: Boundaries Aren’t Personal

I get it—when you set a boundary, it can feel like you’re letting someone down or changing a dynamic that someone’s comfortable with. But a boundary is a declaration of what you need, not a reflection of what they deserve. It doesn’t make you cold or mean; it makes you healthy. For Black women, especially those who have been parentified, setting boundaries can feel unfamiliar because they were often raised to prioritize others and care for everyone else’s needs. But we have to remind ourselves: honoring our own needs is not selfish. It’s essential.

Why Others May Struggle With Your Boundaries

People can struggle with boundaries for all kinds of reasons, but the main one? They’re feeling the loss of easy access to you. It’s like they’ve been comfortably sipping from your well of energy, time, and attention. When you start to prioritize yourself, they notice, and they may not like it. But here’s the thing—they’re reacting to the change, not to your worth as a person. That’s theirs to figure out, not yours to manage.

Tip 1: Check In With Yourself First

Before you even set a boundary, take a minute to ask yourself why it’s necessary. What do you hope to gain from setting it? Maybe it's more time for self-care, more mental space, or simply peace of mind. Understanding your motivation will make it easier to stand firm, even if someone else pushes back. You’re not creating boundaries to punish others—you’re doing it because you love yourself enough to protect your energy.

Tip 2: Release the Responsibility of Their Reactions

When you set a boundary, it’s natural to wonder how the other person will feel or react. But here’s the truth: once you set it, their reaction is not your responsibility. Of course, we don’t want to cause unnecessary pain, but their discomfort doesn’t mean you’re wrong. Imagine telling yourself, “It’s okay if they’re disappointed. I’m not obligated to manage that.” This small shift can be so empowering because it reminds you that their feelings don’t need to dictate your actions.

Tip 3: Let Go of Guilt by Reaffirming Your Worth

Guilt creeps in when we feel like we’re doing something “wrong.” But listen—you have the right to take up space, to say no, and to protect your time and energy. Whenever you feel guilty, remind yourself that your needs are just as important as anyone else’s. You’re allowed to center yourself in your own life. Try creating a mantra like, “I deserve boundaries that protect my peace,” or “My needs matter.” The more you affirm this, the more guilt loses its grip.

Tip 4: Remember, Growth Isn’t Always Comfortable—for Anyone

Growth can be uncomfortable—for both you and the person on the receiving end of your boundary. Change is rarely easy, especially when it means we’re taking a different role in someone’s life than they’re used to. That discomfort is a sign that growth is happening, and growth doesn’t require approval from everyone around us. This is your journey, sis, and it doesn’t need to be validated by anyone else.

Tip 5: Check Your “Inner People-Pleaser” at the Door

Many of us were raised to be people-pleasers, often without realizing it. But it’s time to give your inner people-pleaser a gentle, loving reality check. Remind her that saying “no” isn’t rude—it’s respectful of your own limits. And here’s the thing about people-pleasing: it often leads to resentment, exhaustion, and burnout. Setting boundaries may feel uncomfortable now, but it’s an investment in a more peaceful, balanced future.

Tip 6: Remember, Boundary-Setting is Self-Care

It’s important to remember that boundaries aren’t selfish; they’re self-care. Imagine if you could let go of worrying about how others feel when you protect your peace. What could you do with all that mental space? More time for the things that lift you up, more energy to pursue your dreams, and more focus on what makes you feel fulfilled. Remind yourself that boundaries are an act of self-respect and self-love, and no one is better equipped to prioritize you than you.

Final Thoughts: Stay the Course

Boundaries are a form of self-respect, and they allow us to show up as the best version of ourselves, even if others don’t understand. Will everyone be happy with your boundaries? Maybe not. But let’s be real—trying to make everyone else happy at the expense of your own mental health and peace? That’s no longer the vibe.

So, here’s my challenge to you: this week, set a boundary and release the responsibility of how it’s received. Focus on maintaining the boundary, not their comfort with it. Let go of guilt, embrace the peace it brings, and keep reminding yourself that you’re worthy of all the space, energy, and love you need to thrive.

Keep shining, sis. You deserve it.

Infiniti McCallum, LCMHCA is a therapist at Myers-Galloway Counseling. She enjoys supporting clients who are insecure about their parenting style and their overall connection with their children. Infiniti is passionate about individuality, self-advocacy, and introspection. Book a therapy appointment online with Infiniti or call us at (704) 750-1889 to speak to a member of our team.