Are you tired of feeling disconnected from your children? Do you feel as if your kids are afraid to open up to you? Do you wish you could teach them important lessons without them feeling judged? If the answer is yes to any of these questions, then this is the blog for you. Adult children who have been parentified may experience a disconnection with their children. Mainly as a result of emotional neglect from their own parents or caregivers. If you were parentified, then you were probably expected to assume major responsibilities at a young age without any room to express your feelings. This shows up in adulthood and parenting in various ways. One, is having a skewed perception of how your children should express themselves. Many of our clients who have been parentified and who have children of their own, report that they struggle with emotional availability and setting boundaries as a parent. Because of this, they inadvertently continue the negative cycle that their parents began. We are going to share 3 important ways to not only encourage open communication with your children, but to improve your overall relationship. This blog highlights the importance of setting the tone for interactions with your children at each stage. We will share with you ways to assess and eliminate any internal obstacles influencing your communication style with your children. We will cover some tips on how to eliminate unhealthy patterns of communication, and strengthen trust in your relationship.

As a parent, it’s usually difficult to balance the role of teacher with the role of collaborator in the relationship with your children. Parenting will look different at each stage of development. Strategies used to communicate with a small child will look different when communicating with an adolescent or an adult child. Parents are in a constant state of adjusting and re-learning their childs’ needs. However, being intentional about creating a safe space for communication will strengthen trust and respect within the family. As your children grow and mature, their world will change. Having you, their parent(s) as a consistent figure of support and guidance gives them the confidence to navigate life’s challenges. Children (even adult children) who feel heard, understood, and effectively guided when voicing their thoughts have proven to be more responsible, confident, and emotionally intelligent into adulthood. Often we run into clients at Myers-Galloway Counseling who report saying “I know what’s best for you” when interacting with their children. This is an unproductive thought pattern. Give your child the opportunity to formulate their own opinions and solutions. You want to empower rather than encourage the fear of failure. We don’t want to plant a seed of insecurity when it comes time for them to make their own decisions. Don’t take away the chance for your children to explore, learn and grow. Instead, participate in conversations by first asking yourself “How can I collaborate with my child at this moment?” The focal point of interactions with your child should not be your anxiety or fear of the “what ifs”. 

We’ve heard parents mention, “What if he/she makes the same mistakes I’ve made?” “What if they go through life thinking…” “What if they don’t grasp this concept before they become an adult?” All of these fears are valid, however allowing these fears to be the pilot during conversations could not only potentially damage the relationship with your child, but it may make your children less willing to come to you with any concerns. This could turn into dishonesty, sneaky behaviors, suffering in silence, and trusting their peers to “teach” them important lessons that would be best coming from a wise and experienced adult. Rather than attempting to control their perception or behavior from a place of fear, try partnering with them in making healthy decisions and understanding their thought process.

Tip # 1 - Give them your undivided attention

Seriously, treat everything they bring to you with importance. Utilize active listening skills by paraphrasing what you’ve just heard, making sure you understand what they are saying and being attentive to their needs. This teaches your child that their voice matters to you. Otherwise, if they are repeatedly dismissed about the seemingly “small” things then they will have no practice with consulting you about the bigger issues they face. Creating small opportunities that allow your children to express themselves is vital to their communication capabilities in adulthood. If a child is consistently dismissed and their voice goes unheard, it may discourage them speaking up in the future. A result of this could be a strained relationship with you as their parent. Strained parental relationships consist of frequent arguments, withdrawal, a lack of interest, overstepping boundaries and miscommunication. With that being said, the next time your child cries about accidentally breaking their toy or about a social conflict, prioritize their feelings and remain empathetic towards them. After all, your children are people too.  

Tip # 2- Acknowledge and release your personal biases

This takes inner work beforehand. Take some time to recognize events, situations, and people that have influenced your perception of life, love, relationships, parenting, etc. You will start to differentiate between your personal beliefs and what will be the healthiest values to instill in your children. Try to avoid projecting your past experiences onto your children. For instance, if you’ve experienced sexual trauma and your teen wants to have a conversation about dating/sex what would be more supportive? Lecturing them about the dangers of dating/sex? Or, exploring what they learned already and their views on the matter, educate them on how to have safe experiences, and allow them to learn without judgment? The latter of the two will have more of a positive outcome. This is where you become realistic about expectations. Think about it, when was the last time you listened to someone who tried to impose their beliefs on you or force you to behave in a certain way? Remember when you were their age and how you wanted to be treated.    

Tip # 3 -  Model the behavior that you wish to see from them

There will be moments where your children may make decisions that you disagree with, or that disappoint you. This is a natural part of growing up. In these situations, it will be vital to manage any anger, frustration, or hurt that you are experiencing. Own your own emotions. If your children observe you spiraling out of control when you dislike something, they may struggle with emotional regulation as they grow. Additionally, they may make mistakes in secret, and not share with you out of fear of your explosive response. The secrecy will be more of a threat to your relationship than allowing them to be honest. Conversations that focus on solutions rather than the perceived problem, will yield better results. What’s more valuable, the need to be “right” or proper guidance? Model forgiveness for your children. Give them the opportunity to set boundaries, learn, make mistakes, experience natural consequences and be forgiven. Yes, this means that you will need to adopt a habit of forgiving them for certain behaviors. If you desire to be a safe space for your children, forgiveness will need to exist. Forgiveness fosters trust.

Conclusion

Overall, your children are learning everything from you. Think of the old phrase “Do what I say and not as I do.” This is contradictory because in reality, your children will mimic your actions. If your children do not witness healthy behaviors from you, then it is unfair to expect healthy behaviors from them. As easy as it may seem to set strict rules, dismiss things that challenge your fears, and try to control their experiences, it could completely derail the way your child views your support. Certain occurrences may appear to be common sense to you, but your child has not gained your level of wisdom just yet. Give them grace to learn on their own timing as you guide them. Remain open minded, there is more than one way to approach things. Give yourself permission to be the person you’ve always needed for your children. The goal is to hold their hand and walk alongside them, rather than dragging  them by the hand and walking in front of them. Be mindful of anything that is shaping your perception of certain concepts. Remember,  as a parent perfection is not required, only effort and love. 

Parents can educate themselves on the milestones to be reached in each stage of development. This may put certain issues into perspective. The CDC provides an in depth description of what positive parenting can look like as your child grows. Some of the tips start in the infant stage and encourage parents to praise their child by showering them with love and attention. Then, the CDC shares some of the emotional and social changes that occur up to adolescence. Positive parenting will change faces as your child establishes their own identity. This is a marathon not a sprint. 

Infiniti McCallum, LCMHCA is a therapist at Myers-Galloway Counseling. She enjoys supporting clients who are insecure about their parenting style and their overall connection with their children. Infiniti is passionate about individuality, self-advocacy, and introspection. Book a therapy appointment online with Infiniti or call us at (704) 750-1889 to speak to a member of our team.